Epiphany

Wow...

It's hard ot describe the emotions I am feeling at this moment. It was very, very intense, but everything kind of settled down and I am glad I have this moment to myself, just writing everything down. I don't want this to be something I have to recall, rather I want to capture it right now, before it escapes from my memory. Because what just happened was one of those moments that flies by like shooting stars - full of magic at the moment, but once it's gone, that's it. And then you wish you had paid more attention to it.

I guess what I should talk about is what just happened to cause all my emotions like this. 2 to 3 hours ago we had our group meeting. Pretty much group meetings are used for living improvements, such as what will happen within the next week or two (in this case it would be parties and all that fun jazz), as well as this thing suggested by Emilie where we put one positive and negative comment into a jar, and then Emilie would open the jar after weekly issues were discussed and read the comments, and we would talk about them some more. I am not going to lie, but many of the negative comments are about Mike, ranging from his hygiene of himself and his room (very funny, all his roommates complained about their room in their negative comments - and now Emilie gave him a "Commitment To Improve", which is kind of like a Katimavik punishment) to his behaviour around people. But my emotions were not caused by that, though. It was caused by another invention created by Emilie - a candlelight moment. Pretty much what happens with that is after all the issues are addressed, Emilie passes each of us a tealight candle, and then she would turn off all the lights and give us a couple of minutes to think about what we want to discuss during the candle lighting moment. When we are ready, one of us would light up the candle in our hand, say whatever we want to say, and then lend our candle to the person next to us to let them use the flame off the candle, and the circle continues. This is the event that I really want to talk about right now, because this is where the magic came in tonight. Usually when people hear about these candlelight moments I imagine (or at least I would think like that) that it is these cheesy/awkward moments used for "bonding" but really people are just putting up with expectations and nothing real actually happens. But I guess it's because we are all living together under the same roof that there really is nowhere to hide, so we all just come out with what we are feeling at the moment. And this is when the truth comes out.

Tonight, after we are done with all the house issues and positive/negative comments, Emilie gets us to turn off all the lights in the meeting area and passes off the tealight candles to everyone. In the darkness, everyone thought about waht they want to say, and then Emilie asked who was ready. I offered to go because Cheryl and I had a conversation last night, and she suggested that I should tell everyone what I was discussing with her. So she passes the lighter to me, and here's the funny part - I almost burnt my thumb because I couldn't control the lighter properly, and everyone laughed at me when I shrieked from the heat. So the circle of candlelight moment went like this:

Me: I talked about being thankful for being here for Christmas, because I do not celebrate Christmas in real life and there is no Christmas tree/turkey/all the Christmas jazz happening. So yeah, this is a cultural experience for me and I am excited about it.

Cynthia: She also talks a bit about Christmas, but more about missing her family but learning to enjou her experience with the crew...plus something about reaching a period of time where we are over missing our family and now it is just about being together for Christmas

Rebecca: Christmas is a very special for her because it symbolizes unity/family/etc, which is very important for her but now she is away from these things, so for her this year will be hard. But she cannot imagine not being here and be with us of Christmas, so it should be unique for her.

Emilie: She told all of us that she and Pierre (her 40 soemthing year old boyfriend) had just broken up and she is going through a very rough time, which is affecting her mood and good work performance - thus she hides in her room all the time. But she will learn to deal with it live on.

Mike: He had a really good time at the semi-formal in the high school, since he never went to his.

Maxime: (Everything was in French, which Emilie had to translate to us) Apparently she talked to her mother, who reported to her news about her grandfather in Europe, who is very sick at the moment and his conditions are unstable, always going up and down. This up and down thing is torturing her, and she wishes it would stop. As she was telling us this, she kepting crying (because she feels sad about the situation) and laughing (because she feels embarrassed about her behaviour).

Stephen: He claims that he doesn't know know what to say in situations like this, but he blurted out lots of stuff, though. He first thanked Charles for putting up with his inorganization (Charles and Stephen were house managers that week) in grocery shopping...he talked a bit about me and thanked me for getting used to his style of humor. Finally, he said some stuff which pretty much sums up to loving the whole group and willing to do anything for them.

Stephanie: Similar to Cynthia and Rebecca, Christmas is very special for her and it will be hard being away from home for Christmas.

Charles: (In French, so I don't fully understand) What he said sounds something like being excited for Christmas, even though he is away from home, which is hard for him.

Cheryl: She talked about being impatient by nature, which was something she tried to hide in Katimavik and therefore it doesn't always show through. But she was tested by different events which causes her to snap at certain times. She ended up apologizing to Mike about her impatience to his behaviour.

Zach (and this is where all my emotions started welling up inside me): He started saying that what he is going to talk about has nothing to do with Christmas, but he had to get it off his chest. He told us that there had been commentsd flying around him about being gay, such as "this is fucking gay" or other things like that. He feels very offended about them because he would never use any of us as a punchline, so why should he be used as a punchline? Then he comes out admitting/declaring that he is gay, and that it was not a choice of his to wake up one day and decides to like boys instead girls (this is where it really got me). He still feels vulnerable towards it, so comments like this are hurtful to him. After he was done, he got choked up a bit about it, admitted that it's hard for him to confess this, and cried a little bit.

After he finishes his speech, there was a great silence settling down amongst us, and I think this is when the magic began. Emilie looks at Zach and says, "Thank you Zach...thank you." The silence continues, and finally each of us, one by one, blow off our candles and bask in the darkness silently.

Slowly, people started getting up - Zach walked away to the kitchen, while Emilie and Maxime embraced each other, with Maxime crying into Emilie's shoulders (I imagine Emilie to be crying a bit, too). It is quite touching to see 2 people who "lost" something personal to them to bond together through their pain. A good majority of the people stayed where they were, just enjoying the magic of emotion sharing and just being (at least I was). Finally, Rebecca and Cheryl got up and went to the kitchen (probably to give Zach support), and that's when people started leaving to get on with their businesses. I finished my leftover dinner and then I decided to capture this moment, as I was engulfed with a great mixture of emotions.

I have been writing for 2 hours now, and everything is back to normal. Maxime is being herself, doing her thing, while Zach and Emilie went back to their laughing, bubbly selves, joking around with people. However we all know that the candlelight moment changed the dynamics of the group, probably for the better. Because now we are able to see people's vulnerabilities, and it tells us that it's safe to show our vulnerabilities too, with safe and perhaps even rewarding consequences. Because what happened tonight...not only did we know people better, but...I don't even know how to describe it, but perhaps you guys know what I mean.

While I write this, I was pondering whether I should a) tell you guys about it b) put what I wrote in the Katimavik journal. I have doubts about this because this has to do with people's personal affairs, and I am sure no one want their preferences announced to the public. But I think I will because what happened tonight teaches us about so much things...tolerance...acceptance...openness...bonding...and perhaps if I tell this story to you guys, you may be able to get a sense of how I felt tonight (although that's highly unlikely because what I felt was very complex), and perhaps just be a bit touched/open about things in life.

As for the Katimavik journal, the reason I am doing it is because as I started writing, I realized this was the epiphany to the group, as well as a changing point. We need to remember about tonight and its magic which captured us, or else we would forget what happened. Since I know people would read this, I may as well address this to Zach and Maxime:

Maxime - Thank you for telling us what was bothering you. You always had a demeanor of toughness around you, as if you should suck up all the bad things and just learn to deal with if. But what you did tonight not only helped you, it helped us too

Zach - Man, I am very happy you did what you did - it showed a lot of guts that I don't think I have. To be honest, I had a suspicion that you were gay, but it was not by instinct/analyzation. I knew you would come out eventually, but just not so soon and not like this. I admire the fact that you did not point out who made these comments, although some of us could guess who it is. So continue on being you, Zach...you are a better person than you think.

I am working on emails (trying to at least)...stay tuned...